August 7th, 2017

The day has arrived, the day I became a Returner. I knew this day was to come, but I was surprised it happened so quickly. Last eight months in England was beautiful, lonely, but beautiful. I have learned so much, most importantly, how to be alone and how to use that time for your good. I've read a lot of books, developed my communication skills, met a lot of people and saw at least this part of the world.

When you are younger, especially young and poor while growing up, you always think that the grass is greener on the neighbors' yard. You develop that point of view and think it's true. You think of that grass as the heaven on earth, you genuinely desire to be there, but when you arrive, you realize it's not everything. Heaven is not heaven at all. It is beautiful and delicate, but it is not familiar nor yours.

Now it might sound stupid and crazy, but there are a lot of beautiful things in Croatia, even with our 1001 problems we have fewer issues than England, for less critical issues that is. However, I wouldn't say neither Croatia nor England is terrible or a worse place to live but for me, It was missing family and friends and even Croatia. You don't know what you have until you lose it.

Friendships and pretty much any other aspect of live abroad takes the shape of "facebook relationship," which is saddening and worry-some. "I am there when I want to be there, but I will not be there unless I need something" type of thinking.

The high crime rate, being self-dependent in a foreign country, humongous cities or similar wasn't the biggest issue for me. Loneliness was, I am not ashamed to say that now, a lot of my time I've spent alone and sad.

Imagine there is nobody who you can turn to without feeling like you are inconveniencing them? Who would be there if something was to happen to you? Imagine having nobody there at times of crisis, nobody to tell you to fuck off with your stupid ideas or to commend your great ideas! That feeling is crushing, deeply crushing, it hurt!

When I was a younge, rebellious teen. I liked the loneliness. I wanted to be alone. I didn't need anyone to be there for me. However I always knew deep down that my family is there, my friends are there even tho I am not counting on them consciously they are there! I am not talking about that kind of loneliness however, I am talking about one where you don't have anyone today, tomorrow or anytime in future.

I've learned few new things and principles I am adopting, "I don't give a fuck," "No anger," "Be shameless" and "Make no enemies/Have no hate." These are to change my life.

However, if there wasn't for a new job, I would have still stayed in England, battled my way through Brexit, found a way to make things work, and beat the loneliness!

Oh, I was always a "Hipster," so when it is cool to leave Croatia I am coming back.

Farewell Southend-on-Sea and farewell United Kingdom. I shall come and visit you once in a while, and if you need me, I'm always there.

Thanks, everyone for being there for me at least online.

My train is departing now. I will be leaving.



Written on 8th of August 2017 on Facebook in Southend-on-Sea

Marko Bianchi
Marko Bianchi
software developer @ Martian&Machine

technology, photography, thoughts, bad jokes and a dash of cycling